Rethinking God, Faith, Christianity,Bible, Truth, & Religion...
Who Am I?
Hmmm...what exactly can I tell you about who I am at this point? If you're reading this and wondering why in the world I would say such a thing instead of just spitting out all the details of who I am, then just keep reading, and eventually you'll get it -- (wink)! What I can tell you is that I am (what our society refers to as) a middle age woman. I am an African American. I am a wife . I am a mother. I am a sister, aunt, and cousin. I am a friend. I am an encourager. I am an independent thinker. I am a blogger I am a writer. I am an extention of all that God is. I am who I am!
Why Did I Create This Website/Blog?
Cartharsis! Believe it or not but I have created this website/blog for the purpose of documenting a very significant change in my life. A change that I am very much in the midst of even as I type the information on this page. A change that has the capacity to completely and forever change my life as well as the lives of all those with whom I come in contact with (sigh). Although I know for sure I am not the only one who is experiencing such a change (beleive me I have been doing quite a bit of reading about similar experiences in the last couple of years), however, I can honestly say that as of yet I have not yet personally met anyone in my neck of the woods with whom I feel comfortable enough (other than my hubby and even that is somewhat guarded) to come out of the closet about this change in me. In a way I suppose this website/blog is my way of cracking the door open to the closet and peeping out in a totally anonymous fashion.
I made the decision a while back that I wanted to write a fiction book about the experience of someone going through this type of change and so this website/blog will also serve as a lauching for the book that honestly may take me the next 6 years to complete and publish (sigh)! Why 6 years you ask, well my rational for that time frame is that by then all of my children will technically be grown and will have successsfully graduated and moved on with the next phase of their lives (at least that's the plan- lol)! I guess you could say that one reason that I remain in the closet about this change is because I feel that doing so right now keeps a little buffer for the onslaught of our tribes dissappointment of finding out about my change. Although I feel like I have thick skin and could take on the "not so welcoming" reactions I am sure to receive as a result of this change. I'm not really sure how it all would affect the children right now, and what can I say other than I have not made the choice to risk it at this time. I do realize that this may change and I am open to that, we'll see. But for now I remain a closet peeper pushing the door open ever so slowly yet being fully present in the experience of the change and creating a space for you other closeet peepers that are out there (wink)!
I made the decision a while back that I wanted to write a fiction book about the experience of someone going through this type of change and so this website/blog will also serve as a lauching for the book that honestly may take me the next 6 years to complete and publish (sigh)! Why 6 years you ask, well my rational for that time frame is that by then all of my children will technically be grown and will have successsfully graduated and moved on with the next phase of their lives (at least that's the plan- lol)! I guess you could say that one reason that I remain in the closet about this change is because I feel that doing so right now keeps a little buffer for the onslaught of our tribes dissappointment of finding out about my change. Although I feel like I have thick skin and could take on the "not so welcoming" reactions I am sure to receive as a result of this change. I'm not really sure how it all would affect the children right now, and what can I say other than I have not made the choice to risk it at this time. I do realize that this may change and I am open to that, we'll see. But for now I remain a closet peeper pushing the door open ever so slowly yet being fully present in the experience of the change and creating a space for you other closeet peepers that are out there (wink)!
What is this "Change" that you speak of? (My Story)
Coming to terms with what I believe now. Posted on May 21, 2010
It was only a few days ago I joyfully celebrated my 45th birthday! I am the same age now that my mother was when she so graciously birthed me into the world in 1965 (well actually she turned 45 three months after I was born but anyway – Thanks mama!!!) Of course, I absolutely cannot imagine doing the same. I love being a mother and all to our 3 beautiful children but the way of labor and delivery I want to see no more from a personal point of view. Now for friends, families and eventually my children, I’m game. Well, not for my children any time soon! Ya’ hear me!!! Anyway, back to the subject matter at hand !
Up until about 2 1/2 years ago I was a bona-fide bible believing, scripture reading, studying, meditating on, quoting, fasting, never-miss-a Sunday or midweek service, tithing, sharing-my-faith, interceding, 100 percent heaven bound Christian. As I write today I can’t actually remember the last time I went to church, or the last time I read one of my MANY bibles (had to be equipped with all the different translations ya’ know). I was practically born and raised in the church and believed from an early age that being very involved in church (and later the ministry) was good service and that was a major part of my life’s purpose. This of course is probably the reason that after a recent conversation with one of my oldest sisters about what I am experiencing she confidently told me that she’s sure that after my exploration (which she also did in her 40’s) I would come back to the realization that Christianity and the bible is the “real” truth. “Train up a child…” right – sigh! Pretty much my whole life experience has been one lived through the lens of the Judeo-Christian religious perspective coupled with the African-American cultural experience in America. And just in case you haven’t heard. Black folks are said to be the most religious folks in America even after our ancestors “slavery” experience. Kinda’ mind boggling if you REALLY think about it huh?
I have always been an avid reader as well as very introspective. And although I am not scared to “speak my mind” and “share my opinion”, overall, I’m one of those people who listens way more than I talk. I find it fascinating to delve below the surface of things which probably explains why I am where I am today in regards to what it is I now believe. I have often tried to recall what it was that actually tipped the iceberg for me and gave me the courage to even become comfortable with the idea (let alone the actual process) of questioning, doubting and re-evaluating everything I was taught to believe. This has been no easy feat and one in which I still find myself struggling sometimes. Yep, I have to consciously erase all the fear and guilt messages I’ve heard and learned well every since I was a child. Questioning God, faith, the bible, the church, the pastor, the evangelist, the apostle, the prophet or your mama is just not tolerated if you are serious about your christianity. Instead, for those who are of the Baptist, Methodist, Pentecostal, Charasmatic, Mega-Church experience, the belief is “if the bible said it I believe it and that settles it” – you learn that obedience and surrender means just doing what you been told to do and believing what you’ve been told to believe while trusting that God will justly take care of the rest and you will be rewarding for your obedience and your surrender. When I really think about this I’m sure this mentality has to be one of the many vestiges of slavery (i.e.the master/slave relationship and the “how to survive being a slave”). Slavery and bondage of any kind is a very horrible experience it is!!!
Let me wrap up today by saying although I don’t feel the need to put myself in a category regarding what I believe now I can say that I am not in the category of “atheist” , I do believe in God, just not the one that most religions purport! And with that said – I’ll save the rest for another day.
It was only a few days ago I joyfully celebrated my 45th birthday! I am the same age now that my mother was when she so graciously birthed me into the world in 1965 (well actually she turned 45 three months after I was born but anyway – Thanks mama!!!) Of course, I absolutely cannot imagine doing the same. I love being a mother and all to our 3 beautiful children but the way of labor and delivery I want to see no more from a personal point of view. Now for friends, families and eventually my children, I’m game. Well, not for my children any time soon! Ya’ hear me!!! Anyway, back to the subject matter at hand !
Up until about 2 1/2 years ago I was a bona-fide bible believing, scripture reading, studying, meditating on, quoting, fasting, never-miss-a Sunday or midweek service, tithing, sharing-my-faith, interceding, 100 percent heaven bound Christian. As I write today I can’t actually remember the last time I went to church, or the last time I read one of my MANY bibles (had to be equipped with all the different translations ya’ know). I was practically born and raised in the church and believed from an early age that being very involved in church (and later the ministry) was good service and that was a major part of my life’s purpose. This of course is probably the reason that after a recent conversation with one of my oldest sisters about what I am experiencing she confidently told me that she’s sure that after my exploration (which she also did in her 40’s) I would come back to the realization that Christianity and the bible is the “real” truth. “Train up a child…” right – sigh! Pretty much my whole life experience has been one lived through the lens of the Judeo-Christian religious perspective coupled with the African-American cultural experience in America. And just in case you haven’t heard. Black folks are said to be the most religious folks in America even after our ancestors “slavery” experience. Kinda’ mind boggling if you REALLY think about it huh?
I have always been an avid reader as well as very introspective. And although I am not scared to “speak my mind” and “share my opinion”, overall, I’m one of those people who listens way more than I talk. I find it fascinating to delve below the surface of things which probably explains why I am where I am today in regards to what it is I now believe. I have often tried to recall what it was that actually tipped the iceberg for me and gave me the courage to even become comfortable with the idea (let alone the actual process) of questioning, doubting and re-evaluating everything I was taught to believe. This has been no easy feat and one in which I still find myself struggling sometimes. Yep, I have to consciously erase all the fear and guilt messages I’ve heard and learned well every since I was a child. Questioning God, faith, the bible, the church, the pastor, the evangelist, the apostle, the prophet or your mama is just not tolerated if you are serious about your christianity. Instead, for those who are of the Baptist, Methodist, Pentecostal, Charasmatic, Mega-Church experience, the belief is “if the bible said it I believe it and that settles it” – you learn that obedience and surrender means just doing what you been told to do and believing what you’ve been told to believe while trusting that God will justly take care of the rest and you will be rewarding for your obedience and your surrender. When I really think about this I’m sure this mentality has to be one of the many vestiges of slavery (i.e.the master/slave relationship and the “how to survive being a slave”). Slavery and bondage of any kind is a very horrible experience it is!!!
Let me wrap up today by saying although I don’t feel the need to put myself in a category regarding what I believe now I can say that I am not in the category of “atheist” , I do believe in God, just not the one that most religions purport! And with that said – I’ll save the rest for another day.